RELATIONSHIPS: Part.1.
Most relationship talks focus on the negative.
Try to give you a set of rules and negative prohibitions.
But when we focus on sex and on the negative around that we fail to prepare for natural, human ways of being in the world. To understand ourselves as sexual beings.
'Sex is something dirty and unpleasant, save it for the one you love".
Most sex education is based around prohibitions.
Our premise at student.soul is that we all need healthy, vital relationships and deeper friendship and companionship. And we need to wrestle for ourselves with how we will express that to each other and in the wider church community. We don't want to do this from a rule based perspective but to respect your need to weigh this up for yourself and to find your own sense of dignity and honour in it.
SEXUALITY
When you hear the word sexuality what do you think of??
Does my cat have sexuality? Is there a difference?
DISCUSSION
What is sexuality?
What do you think of when you hear the word sexuality??
To what extent is: that sexuality is a good gift from God, being communicated, or is the predominant message: don't have sex before marriage, implying sex and sexuality is somehow bad.
But isn't it so much more than this?
1.1. Human sexuality includes all that we are as human beings. Sexuality at the very least is biological, psychological, cultural, social, and spiritual. It is as much of the mind as of the body, of the community as of the person. To be a person is to be a sexual being.
1.2. Sexual behavior includes what we do with our sexuality. In general it is the way male and female relate to God, to neighbor, to nature, to the structures of society, and to self. Sexual behavior acts out the special qualities and abilities male and female uniquely bring toward wholeness in the human community. Most specifically sexual behavior acts out the pleasure-producing, self-fulfilling sensations of sexual arousal and release. Sexual behavior is sensuous in the fullest sense of that word.
Sexuality is so much more than physiological arousal and genital activity i.e. sexual behaviour.
It is a basic dimension of how we are human and how we are in the world.
It permeates and affects all our thoughts, feelings and actions.
The way we move, dress and are, all express our relative coolness with ourselves or not.
What are guys attracted to? According to my husband, attractiveness is in the personality, the demeanour, inner self, which then prompts me to think: I'd like to get to know her.
It's not sex, not flirting or flaunting.
This in itself is sexuality. The sum total of feeling good about yourself and your body and who you are in the world and then both being and expressing your passion about stuff is the greatest expression of your sexuality there can be. And of course God should be at the bottom of all of that.
Being at home with yourself will give you passion and energy.
When you live the things you love and enjoy you will be expressing yourself and flowering in your human sexuality.
This is attractive.
INTERRUPTIONS
If there has been an interruption in the natural development of sexuality and the thinking about it then there will be some distortions.
Eg. Premature sexual awakening… seeing something as a kid may have evoked lust, or guilt or fear, shame is a biggy. Abuse will distort sexuality in every way, causing shutdown, or promiscuity, confusion, lack of identity.
Even what happens in the course of growing up, what mates say, reactions of friends, wrong messages, comments about our body… just a whole lot of stuff can interrupt our feeling great about ourselves as sexual beings.
How aware are you of yourself as a sexual being?
1. SENSUALITY
Sensory experiences: I hear, see, feel things like rain, sun, wind. These sensory feelings becomes transferred to relationships. I enjoy the softness of your touch or caress. Dancing is a sensual experience, though often we dance alone.
Sensuality deepens into sexuality and ultimately sexual acts.
We have to drop the boundary to merge. Our sexual level therefore is a place of allowance and permission. It is wonderful and scary.
You can't have intercourse unless you allow this merge.
Or else it may be rape.
When we know what we are allowing, we become better at intimacy.
Do you value yourself enough to share it or not share it?
2. SEXUAL ENERGY
I share space with others and that has impact and influence.
My body, my essence, my breath are all expressing my sexual nature.
We should learn to be very aware of how we are in the world.
And therefore what we model to each other.
Being aware of this will make you safe.
Take responsibility for being in the world.
I can be responsible with my sexual energy.
For eg. How we dress says a lot about this.
Provocative dressing… 'skanky' dressing, you will be noticed.
What are you signaling and how are you presenting in the world.
3. WHAT DO WE DO WITH ATTRACTION?
Reality is we could be attracted to several people on some level.
Just because we are attracted doesn't mean we are guilty or bad.
Just because I am close to a girlfriend and we enjoy hugging and being close doesn't make us lesbians.
Just because a boy has a physiological response or arousal to a guy doesn't make him a homosexual.
Just because I appreciate being with a guy who's already spoken for, doesn't mean I am not allowed to enjoy normal feelings of attraction.
We are allowed feelings but we don't have to act on them.
We need to have permission to have sexual feelings and being sexual beings in the world.
If we deny these as bad we will get into a huge place of deficit and isolation.
Things will get out of proportion and then there is every danger of something untoward.
If someone says: you look gorgeous that doesn't have to be romanticized.
You can say thanks and appreciate it.
IF YOU HAVE NO TOUCH AND NO INTIMACY, NO DEEPER RELATIONSHIPS, DENY YOURSELF NORMAL FEELINGS, LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS WILL BECOME HUGELY OUT OF PROPORTION, DISTORTING SEXUALITY.
How do boys express their sexuality, and their affection?
They do it in groups, at rugby matches. It's acceptable to give a hug or a high five or fool around physically.
Boys will kick each other. This is their way of being affectionate.
Or they will get drunk and this gives permission for mateyness.
But mostly by 13, boys are not able to express themselves physically without this being taken as something romantic by girls, or as effeminate by boys.
There seems to be NO middle ground.
Girls want this affection and will flirt to get it.
Wouldn't it be better if we could be together and feel comfortable without it being misconstrued as sexual?
BROTHERLY/SISTERLY LOVE:
It is important to have life-enriching, non romantic friendships.
We need the perspective, the encouragement, the sharpening that comes from friendships with the opposite sex.
"Can't a guy and a girl just be mates without everybody else reading something into it"?
What's the problem with this??
When we push people with our comments and innuendo, we push them into a relationship that has not developed through simply being friends: the foundation of marriage.
1 Thess 4:9 Love each other with brotherly love.
Romans 12: 10. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. This is active love, true love, not pretense, sincere, love one another with mutual affection.
*Biblical fellowship: Don't be satisfied with superficial relationships. Discuss and share what God is teaching you and doing in us. Pray for each other and develop deep relationships. Get into service with people, through this you will get to know people deeply.
*Show affection, care deeply about each other. Encourage them. Can you tell one another why you respect and value their friendship? Show kindness to all not just to someone you are interested in.
*Genuine care may mean you earn the right to speak into another's life with truth and love.
*How can I start being the kind of friend the opposite sex needs?
Do you have sexual health?
What might that be composed of?
* Absence of disease or dysfunction
*Ability to understand and weigh the risks and responsibilities, outcomes and impacts of sexual action, to practice abstinence.
*Freedom from sexual abuse and discrimination
*Ability to integrate sexuality into life, derive pleasure from it
*To reproduce in the right context.
SUMMARY
Sexuality is the whole way in which we relate in the world as males and females. If we reduce it to focusing on sexual intercourse we will miss the reality that:
* How we feel about ourselves, our relationships and about our bodies; and how we care for our bodies is all part of sexuality
*We are sexual beings in the midst of all our relationships, not just when dating or engaging in sexual acts.
*Sensuality is sexuality and there are many ways to express sexuality beyond the sexual act. Eg massage, touch, hugs, affection, words of affirmation, gifts, intimacy of conversation.
*There is a spiritual dimension to sexuality and recognizes that sexuality is one of God's good gifts.