Relationships: Part 2
If you weren't there on Sunday, sorry you missed Roh's interaction with the girl he met in the library. She had to go, but when she asked him if he'd like to get together for a cup of coffee, poor old Roh freaked out because in his mind having coffee was the start of a committed relationship. You had to be there really!
Importance of thinking for yourself.
Last week, we said we didn't want to approach this topic from a negative or prohibitive perspective because we get this all the time.
We want to reiterate the positive nature of sexuality as God's good and healthy gift to us.
But with this comes responsibility.
You have got to think about: who you are. What you like and dislike.
What you will do with your sexuality and how this will affect others.
You have got to weigh up what God says about it and what are the parameters in which he has given us these bodies and all their abilities.
And this doesn't just mean reading the bible literally, at face value, or taking as gospel what this person says up the front whatever church it is, it means: wrestling with all of that and probably experiencing some discomfort around it. It may mean making some mistakes, it means not being naive.
A particular church in NZ last year went public by stating to the world that the standard should be 'absolute abstinence': no drugs, no smoking, no drinking, no sex… and you can covenant to this in a ceremony that binds you with a ring until you stand at the altar.
Is there anything wrong with absolute abstinence?
Is there anything wrong with this sort of thinking and this sort of ceremony, because it is certainly true that all of things are major problems in our society?
Some thoughts on this:
*Covenants are very binding… if you stuff up there is inevitable guilt.
*It binds us to strive for purity… to please a God who demands excellence, but has given us very human, weak bodies. This is huge conflict.
*It becomes like a law. You can't provide for life like this. Love is not under law. Similarly you can't make everyone fit one size around relationships. As Brooke Fraser indicated in her documentary: she decided to keep out of relationships for two years in order to find herself and to become a more whole person, so as to avoid trying to find someone else to fill up those holes. This was something that worked for her. We need to beware however of thinking that because one church or book comes out with a particular teaching that this is the way it should be for everyone. It simply doesn't work like that. Don't feel bound by that, you've got to find the right path for yourself.
*God is a God of mercy and grace. We will live rightly as a response to his mercy and grace when we stuff up. This is not of course a license to do anything.
*This life is paradoxical. We are called to live rightly, but we are not yet perfect. We are to strive for holiness not through something we do but from allowing our heart to be changed. In other words it is God in Christ Jesus who clothes us with purity, not something I can achieve myself. It comes in confessing my weakness and dependency and failure and from admitting my heart is ugly and has a natural propensity to hide and cheat and lust and then opening it up to God and to others in confession. Then we will have a pure heart and begin to make better choices about how we live and express our sexuality.
*Why does anyone get into adultery or incest, or pornography, because in a deeper place there's a lie, a hurt, a huge love gap, that someone's not willing to expose, wants to hide, and can't find any answers to. But it's not the truth, there is a way out. Ps 51: 6 You desire truth in the inward being… a contrite heart you will not despise.
There are some boundaries in relationships …
When does temptation become Lust ?
13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;
14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.
15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (James 2)
1. Temptation is not sin
2. Desire is not sin
To be attracted to other people is not sin. To be attracted to the person or their body is not sin. In fact we would hardly be human if we were not attracted to other people. To allow that attraction to rule how we behave towards that person is quite another matter because when that happens we become subject to our desires.
Joshua Harris says this about Lust…
*It's not lust to be attracted to someone or notice that he/she is good looking
*It's not lust to have a strong desire to have sex
*It's not lust when a man or a woman becomes turned on without any conscious decision to do so
*It's not lust to experience sexual temptation
The critical issue is how we respond to the urges and desires of our sexual drive. Noticing an attractive person is not wrong; but undressing that person with your eyes or imagining what it would be like to "have" them is.
Sexual thoughts are often in or around our thinking and it's certainly more so the case today but what we do with those thoughts is the main question. We can either fan the flame or find ways to keep it under control.
- Build friendships with the opposite sex rather than seeing them as objects of desire or otherwise!
- Treat others as brothers or sisters
- Operate socially in groups rather than in pairs
- Remember that what you allow now will still have freedom when you finally find that special someone.
- Do learn good communication skills
- Do have an older mentor you feel free to ask questions about these things.
- Don't expose yourself to sexually explicit material.
- Don't expose yourself to temptations you know you can't control.
The key in relationships boils down to what we feed.
If we fed respect and love we will grow in the other person a similar attitude even if it doesn't develop into a romantic relationship
If we feed lust and self-gratification we will grow a similar attitude in the other which will never be satisfying even if the relationship does become romantic.
What to do when trapped in a lustful cycle?
It is not uncommon to become infatuated with someone. This means that one cannot get them out of your mind; that you will think about them often and when you do think about them you don't want to stop it and that it feels so good to think about them that it's a bit like being on a drug.
When this happens it is difficult to stop sexual fantasies arising and this is unhealthy.
It is so because one has begun to objectify the person i.e., to view them as an object only and not as a person and, in particular, to view them in terms of what they can or do for you rather than who they really are.
Several things will help in dealing with this…
- Living with the feeling for a longer time period. Feelings and infatuation don't last unless we feed them. Just live with the feeling as if it were an unwelcome stranger - don't feed it and it will die.
- Repent - bring this problem to God and ask for help in getting rid of it.
- Remove yourself from environments that encourage the feeling.
*Pornography and people who approve of it are huge problems in this country. So do all you can to avoid the stuff.
*Living with those who approve of and encourage an objectification of anyone is not helpful. Not just talking sex here. Racism is another kind of destructive objectification as are caste systems and even fashions. - Find a trustworthy mentor or supervisor.
- Read good books about the subject
- Develop healthy habits.